Nobody can save me, except myself

August 13, 2017

 Hey everyone, so it's funny when I first started out on my journey of being a Sports Therapist and Personal Trainer, my aim was to help other people, but I have only recently come to the conclusion that I was helping everyone else, but not helping me or taking care of me. I have always been like this and through my journey, especially over the last few years and introspection on the death of Chester Bennington. I now listen to the music of Linkin Park and hear it in a different light and the words have begun to take on a new meaning, of which as I type this I am listen to the song above. I have now begun to develop an even bigger respect for the band and Chester


I thought initially my depression was down to my nerve disorder, but have been thinking recently, that it started off as a young boy. I remember when I was 10 my Dad took me to get a fishing rod and promised to take me fishing, the Day came and he was nowhere to be seen, so I was really upset and decided to go on my own and spent the whole Day sat by a lake, this history of being let down by him would carry on, so I became very independent, not expecting or receiving anything from him. When I did see him, it would be on his terms and what suited him, along with aggression or just nastiness towards my Mother in words, the physical nastiness was before we got away from him. The emotional impact of this even now haunts me


Its funny I was speaking to a good friend and she said that I should have more belief in myself and my writing, truth be told I don't. I know I am very down on myself and only through going to therapy have I discovered a lot about my own demons. I know from my own perspective that I have put other people  before my own welfare and part of my reasoning behind doing this, is that other people would like me more, as I don't like or love myself, but from myself a lot of these feelings come from my Father and how he made me feel worthless and pointless, even writing this feels like attention seeking. I don't know why, but thats how I feel.


It's ironic that through the death of  the singer of one of my favorite bands, have I discovered more about him and how he felt, but I am now putting down in writing of how I feel, which makes me so anxious, you wouldn't believe how it makes me feel. Watching Linkin Park was a dream come true, Chester was one of the nicest people you could meet. What did come from his death, was that I was able to meet my cousin, who I hadn't seen for 27 Years. It was so nice to see him and his Mum, they are so nice and I have missed them and now I am starting to make up for lost time. What also happened after his death, was a beautiful gathering in London, which gave us all a chance to celebrate the life of an amazing and beautiful person.


With my nerve disorder, it is one of the most painful things I have experienced, those who know me, yes Royal Marines training does come close, what I would give now to swap this pain for The Marines. Chronic Regional Pain Syndrome is the name of my nerve disorder, most of the time your hands and feet feel like you are in a fire and the pain is excruciating, yes you do wish to go asleep and not wake, yes I think that most of the time, it would be good to fall asleep and not wake up.


A couple of people, who have really helped me are all of my friends of Facebook. Steven Croston and Sasha Jordan, have really helped in dealing with the death of my cat, but have also shown me kindness and love, even inviting me into their house, thank you so much. Peter Barnett, helps me so much in looking and approaching things in a different way, but also has been an amazingly supportive friend and great role model of a father, congratulations on the birth of your children, you will be an amazing Father, eventually I will meet you for run, I know you are  laughing now, thinking yeah right. Carson Franklin, you have been awesome to speak to in regards to my depression and given some amazing insights, but also a great buddy. Nigel Lewis, well what can I say, you have been there for me, when the chips have been down, you have been an ear to bend, but your kindness and help, without this I don't know what I would have done, but to let me in your and Ash's racing, this has been appreciated more than you know, especially from a confidence in my Sports Therapy. Everyone of you have been a fundamental part in my journey to Emotional maturity, it's strange just writing this makes me feel a bit strange. Also the guys from Crown of Thorns I never dreamed of seeing you guys again, after Playing Wembley as the line up for Bon Jovi, but more so for you to be my friends and to help me with the things you do. I thank you from the bottom of my heart


Whats strange about writing this, is that I feel like I am helping myself by writing this, don't get me wrong I will still judge and criticize myself about my writing and how I can approach or do things better, but if you have felt a certain way, it's not going to change overnight. That darkness has clearly been there for years. Chester Benningtons music and his interviews I have seen after his death, has made me feel i am not alone in how I feel, don't get me wrong I wasn't sexually abused and I couldn't begin to imagine what he had going on inside his head, such a shame as he was an amazing man and I don't think he realized how his music has changed and helped people with their demons. R.I.P. you amazing angel.


What I am beginning to learn is that I need to take time for myself, turn my phone off, listen to music, use mindfulness, go to the gym, but the most important thing is to start to love myself and should that mean I don't agree to do things. I take the time to to think about it and think can I afford to do this? Financially or time wise, but also do I want to do this. What I also need to understand is that it is OK to be anxious about saying No, that I do have value and I need to value myself. I started off doing this earlier, by saying I couldn't take part in something called the Commando Challenge, as it would compromise my nerve disorder and make my pain worse. I was so anxious in saying No and feeling like I let people down, but if my nerve disorder gets worse, it will take me longer to recover and stop feeling like I am in a fire.


I love you all


Much Love









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