Hey everyone so I hope you are well. I have been thinking recently and with the help with a few things I have watched and people I have listened to has brought me to this realisation, that it is ok to have feelings and to let them happen. For many years I have suppressed those feelings through different addictions, but mainly mine has been food to hide what I was feeling. Whilst I was working for the Ministry Of Defence. I had my car accident and partially detached the upper part of my chest which set off my nerve disorder. Well as I started to get bullied more by them, trying to discipline me, because with invisible disorders/diseases you can't see it, they would not believe me and it felt like a witch hunt. Each Day going to work I dreaded it. I would eat more and more due to the upset and anger I felt towards they way I was being treated. Even writing this now I feel so upset and angry. What had I done wrong? Apart from being honest about what was happening.
I know for me, burying my feelings went back to when I was a child, my Father and I use the word loosely as he was just a person and not anything else. Even now I feel anger towards him. The first instance I can remember hiding my feelings. I had been given tickets by Wimbledon Football team, to go and watch them and my Dad said we could go together. I was overjoyed with this, but come the Day he didn't make it home for us to go, well you would think I stayed at home, nope I was 10 or 11, to be honest I can't remember, well I went on my own. This was the start of my journey of independence and anger towards my Father, but the fact I can put this down in writing makes me happy, albeit nervous.
The video I have attached is a cover of a Linkin Park song, called shadow of the Day, it is my way of dealing with the singers death, as the lady sings it in such a beautiful way and you can feel her passion and love in the song. It's strange before Chester Benningtons death I didn't really listen the lyrics of songs, I just enjoyed the songs. Now I hear Linkin Park songs in a different light. I can the pain, the angst, the sadness and the love.
It's OK to be sad, it's OK to be upset, its part of the healing process and accepting that allows you to heal, don't get me wrong I am not saying to forget these things happened, far from it. Simply I am saying our feelings help us to be human, help us to love, to trust or to avoid people or situations from lessons learnt or just warning signs we recognize.
With regards to Linkin Park I listen to their music with even more love and passion, for me to have been so close to Chester and their last concert has left me questioning things in myself, but I understand this is a natural part of the healing process. Do I miss Chester, damn right, but his family and band mates who had him around nearly every Day I couldn't imagine how they are feeling, what this has brought up in myself is my own feelings of my best friends death, back when I was 16 and didn't realise how I haven't really ever fully dealt with this and other deaths have experience in my life, but I will embrace this sadness and work through it. Music has a way to transform our feelings and when I first started blogging I didn't realise it would become such and transforming journey.
RIP Chester Bennington. RIP Lee Walker. RIP Jeff. RIP my Nans. RIP my Grandad's
Thank you and much love