Hey everyone so I am writing this and coming to the realisation that I have reached a Milestone in regards to my own mental health and part of this is thanks to blogging, but also the help of my friends. On the Weekend I was away with my friends Ashley Lewis and Nigel Lewis, where Ashley was racing Go-Karts, normally the practice and qualifying are on Saturday and I am feeling ok, come the Evening I can feel my anxiety and panic building up and by the time I am in my tent and ready to sleep, well lets say it's through the roof and all I want to do is escape and normally I do just that. I get in my car and drive home, but this Saturday I didn't run away, I could feel it happening, but just let it happen and told myself I was OK and there was no threats for me to be worried about. I was fine and I was still there the next Day and was ok, come later on in the Day it was starting to rain and even though I didn't have rain clothes I would normally stay and try to please everyone around, but this time I listened to what my brain and body was telling me and I left and got home relaxed. Don't get me wrong I'm frustrated I missed the racing, as I really enjoying the camaraderie and the spirit of my friends, the noise and buzz of the track and the people I am there with. I knew they would be OK without me, but you still miss it.
What was great to see, is how everyone has recovered from the previous Weekend, which was awful due to the accident, what was funny was recounting how the driver who had to be airlifted to hospital, still wanted his third place trophy to take with him in the helicopter to Hospital, what a legend and I am so grateful to say that he only has a broken ankle.
Most recently I decided to undertake the Commando Challenge, but what I have been recognizing recently is that for me to return to the Royal Marines isn't healthy and has been making me stressed and ill, not because I don't love the Marines, but more so it wasn't for me and I don't want my anxiety and panic attacks to get worse and therefore I have withdrawn, although I will still train for the event and on the Day I will go for a 10k run, but this will be a celebration of getting into the Marines in the first place, but also recognition of the Marines and their bravery . Don't get me wrong I loved the idea of going to the Marines, but when I was there, the realisation of dying and other things made my decision to leave made easier. I will always have a massive amount of love and admiration for The Marines, but my mental health is more important than taking myself backwards. I realized I was trying to please people by doing this event and that isn't me having a dig, but more so recognition that I need to make sure I take better care of myself. The challenge is helping me sort my fitness, despite having a nerve disorder I am exercising and pushing myself, but listening to my body and each of my friends have been so helpful it making me realise I must do this.
What I love about going Karting is being able to help my friends, but I don't think you realise how much you help me. After leaving Motorsport and then damaging my nerves I thought I had forgotten what to do, but also the confidence in my ability was shot to crap. You have helped me so much. In the Evenings at Karting I get to sit and share laughs, food, drink, but most importantly friendship and laughter and this means more than anything, but also being able to relax reduces how much my body is on fire and takes my focus away from my pain.
I am so fortunate to be able to share these experiences, but also to be able listen and learn with my friends and my admiration grows for them and their own abilities.