Hi Everyone, hope you are well. I been thinking recently about different things and have been having a reflective time. Where am I going with this, well I realised recently that I have been expecting perfection from myself and this isn't realistic. From going to therapy I thought that I had dealt with things from my own past and I don't feel I have. Having been in abusive situations my initial reaction from any level of anger or agression is to run away, this isn't because of not being able to defend myself, but more so the memories it brings about and therefore makes you feel sick and anxious as you feel it is going to happen again.
I thought from being cheated on in my past I had dealt with this, but I don't believe I have, as any thing that makes me feel uncomfortable instead of articulating how I feeI, well I shut down and then get annoyed, so with regards to therapy as much as I thought I could feel things and therefore articulate them I was wrong, as being able to talk about things I am clearly not there, but it also makes me uncomfortable.
I think having been in some situations where you have been verbaly abused, that any words or critiscisms are taken more personally,having had your self esteem ruined, despite knowing that you are capable, so when you react to these things, people may take it that you are overeacting, but it is more a conscious thing of making people aware that you aren't comfortable with things,yes people can't help your past.
I think for me I have allways strived to be perfect as then with attaining this, well people won't leave you or think bad of you, but I am coming to the realisation that it is only by showing your imperfections that you are accepted as being human. As much as we make mistakes, it is then how you deal with them.
I recently debated about removing my website and not putting things out here, but to be honesst this is part of my own journey and in turn I feel it helps other people, with sharing these stories we realise we are not alone on our journey, but also it helps in turn.
Do I realise I have things that trigger me? Of course and part of that is feeling the experience and working out why. Then feeling what I am feeling, which in turn makes me feel uncomfortable as the feeling thing I am still having huge difficulties with, but am trying to work through it.
What is the realisation I have come to? I am human. I make mistakes, as much as putting this in wiritng makes me feel anxious, the truth is I do.
What do I need to do? Maybe in turn this will help you;
Well practice more self care. How does that work? Well I need to carry on going to therapy.
Look after my mind, by usng mindfullness, but also working out and exercising
Writing things down and relating the feelings in your body to what they are actually telling you.
Having surpressed things for so long, it is difficult to do as then it is realising that there lots of things you have to deal with.
Lookng after my body by using the right medications and making time for myself.
Realising I have needs, although this feels needy, which if I am honest makes me more uncomfortable, But to take care fo yourself means that you vaue yourself.
As like any of the things I write, these are just my thoughts and not recommendatons, but my own experience and what works for me.
We all have our own internal messages, but you are loved, you are amazing, you are cared for